It’s Finally Happening

After years and years of trying: I AM GOING TO SDCC!

The San Diego Comic-Con has been one of those events that I’ve looked at from afar, wishing with all of my little nerd heart that I could be amongst the crowd and partake in the craziness. It is something that I’ve dreamed of, gotten jealous over, and even despaired about at one point in time or another.

This year when they announced the times to wait for tickets, I did so as my usual custom with coffee by my side and a book to read while I waited in the never-ending queue for the queue for tickets. Every year, I would do this only to receive the message after about an hour that all passes had been sold out without ever having stepped foot in the lobby to purchase tickets. One year, I got to the purchase lobby only to find that one day was only available. This would not do. If I was going to travel all the way to San Diego from Anchorage, Alaska I wanted to at least try for more than one day, so at that time I passed on what was available.

Coffee spitHowever, this year, a record ten or fifteen minutes after I sat down and began to wait for the waiting room I received a message that I had never seen before. It told me that I was entering the waiting room and to standby. I watched in wide-eyed disbelief as the waiting room appeared and there was availability for all days except for Preview Night and Saturday. I hemmed and hawed for a minute or two before placing passes for Thursday, Friday, and Sunday into my basket. I was not expecting to get this far. And most importantly, would the lack of Preview Night and Saturday be a deal breaker? I did a quick mental “pros and cons” list in my head and ultimately decided it was now or never.

I purchased the tickets. Then proceeded to sit and stare at my computer screen in disbelief.

Fast forward to today, a day before I get on a plane to San Diego and live the dream that I have had for so many years. Of course, I know that my expectations will not even be close to the reality of this event from what I’ve heard. The point is, I know there are going to be lots of moments where I simply will NOT be having fun due to the number of people there, the lines you have to wait in to do anything remotely cool, and the heat that I am simply not used to in any shape or form.

That being said, I know I will have a good time anyways and will be giddy to finally be in attendance of something that I have vowed to go to at least once in my life. This is my once, people. I don’t foresee that I will ever attend this event again. I’m happy, I’m nervous, I’m scared. I’m so many things.

Wonder Tress
Me in my Wonder Woman bathing suit. (Highly adjusted angle.)

I’ve begun to pack, sort of. Last night I tried on a variety of things, thinking I could be boisterous, playful, and wear fun things that I rarely have the chance to wear. However, upon looking at these outfits in the mirror my terrible self-esteem came to a head. While, I wanted to cosplay I did not put anything together due to funds, lack of needed help, and lack of needed free time to shop for materials and actually make things. I’ve played with the idea of wearing my Wonder Woman bathing suit over some leggings but upon trying out that option, I can’t wrap my head around actually doing it. The reason for this? I can’t mentally prepare myself enough for people assuming that I am pregnant due to my large post-children belly. I thought perhaps that when the inevitable comment comes about how cool it is that I’m dressed as a pregnant Wonder Woman I could just go with it and pretend that’s what I actually did. But, I just can’t.

My body is what it is. I’ve been getting the comments for years now and some days I just go along with it and answer questions about my “pregnancy” in order not to make the situation awkward or the other person feel bad for assuming. I’m at the point in my life where these comments just make me emotional and angry. Usually, after telling the person ‘No, I’m not pregnant, I’m just fat.’ I have an episode of on again off again tears that will last a day or two. Then I spend the rest of the week trying to exercise and eat better which is quickly foiled by my exhaustion of being a stay at home mother to young children with no way to afford child care to even get to a gym regularly. Eating better is another matter when you are dead tired and the main person who has to make every meal for yourself and your children for most of the entire day. It quickly goes downhill, based on who will eat what and you need to just eat something so you don’t collapse while being the only responsible one in my house. All in all, I know these are excuses and I know I am responsible for the poor shape of my body. Right now, I honestly do not have the means or support that I need to change that. It is what it is for the moment.

Beyond that, I’ve decided to pack some of the items I wanted to wear anyways in the hope that I will get over these feelings while I’m there. I want to be able to believe that I will get over the appearance of my giant seemingly pregnant belly and the general lack of shape to my body that looks at best like a flour sack with zero curves. I hate it and am embarrassed by it and most days I have trouble leaving the house because of this displeasure. Despite some beautiful words of praise and encouragement, I am doubtful I will end up in anything but tee shirts that will make me sweat and a giant hoody to hide the body that I am in intense dislike with. Again, it is what it is.

So let’s get past the part where I’m uncomfortable and worried about my appearance before I even get there. (TMI Warning before you proceed.) My body has decided that in order to travel I must be on my period full force and be on the verge of getting a cold. I Uterus Gifstarted my period yesterday and I’m cramping like crazy. This is not an optimal condition to be in for packing, doing much of anything like cleaning the house and doing extra chores before leaving my husband to fend for himself over the weekend. I’m not looking forward to the multiple bathroom trips and feelings of anxiety about possible leaks while I’m on the plane going to my destination. I’m also not looking forward to having to take up packing space to include my sanitary products and tissues due to the oncoming cold that has decided to plague me starting today and also my children.

At this point, it looks like I’m going to have to work extremely hard to make this experience something that I will enjoy. I have a “Con List” going out the wazoo at this moment that currently looks like this:

  • Don’t want to camp overnight just to see a panel in Hall H
  • Got shafted on all exclusive merch windows for everything I wanted
  • Extreme heat and covering a body I hate will be hell
  • Period cramps are never fun
  • Getting a cold before travel is the worst
  • I’m clueless about this convention in general
  • Geek alert: There’s a Pokemon Go event happening ONLY this Saturday for a three hour time window that I wanted to do but have no idea if I can participate in it because it has to do with group raiding. I’m going to this thing alone and I have no idea what the Gym situation is there and what it will be like.
  • Tons of chores to be done before I leave
  • I haven’t even packed seriously yet because of lack of time

I’m a mess, guys.  There’s not a lot of things scheduled that I want to do at this convention. The ones that I would be interested in are most likely out of my reach due to not wanting to wait in line overnight and sacrifice my comfort and sanity just for a seat in a back of a room where I mostly can’t see much of anything. The more I think about this, I think how much better it really is not going to the event personally and the magic of the internet. However, I wanted this. I wanted to be there just ONCE. So, now I will make my list of things I AM looking forward to and what I should focus on in spite of the bad and my constant worries. Here goes:

  • There will be tons of awesome cosplays to look at and photograph
  • I won’t be the only geek freaking out over new announcements and merch
  • I can maybe get myself a new purse that’s fun and geeky
  • I can catch some pokemon that I don’t get here in Alaska and maybe duck into a group or two for Zapdos day if I’m lucky.
  • I will get to meet people that I’ve only been friends with on the internet in person!
  • It’s a trip and a mini vacation for me from my daily life.

The most important point about all of this. I’m finally going. I will finally do this thing that I’ve been wanting to do for years and will most likely never do again. Good or bad, it will be an experience and I am ever so down for that.

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